Ho Ho Ho

Since the last post was a downer, I thought I'd give you something to smile about.

Wiggly says: "Merry Christmas, Everybody." Okay, well he really said: "A-goo, SQUEEEEAL, ahhh, ehhhhh." But in Wiggly-ese, we all know what he means.

Wiggly's very first Christmas. We had pictures done last Saturday. He was a trooper for the first few shots and then hated it. Silly department store photo studios. I don't know why they bother making appointments when it ends up being first come first serve anyway.

Whatever. The pictures turned out very well (although E said it looks like a godzilla baby in front of a very tiny fence!). Our Christmas cards will be going out next week. I'm so excited for his first Christmas and look forward to a few years when he'll start to understand and get excited, too! Hopefully we can get some santa pictures done, too.

Giving of Thanks

So American Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Regardless of the somewhat sordid history of how this holiday came to be in our great U S of A, it is a wonderful day to reflect on those things to be grateful for.

I am thankful. For my life. Each and every day I wake up. For seeing the sun rise and set. For each new experience. For my health, even when I have a cold or stomach ache--it could be worse. To live in a country that sees me as a full fledged citizen who can achieve all that I want if I'm willing to try.

I am thankful. For the roof over my head and the food I am able to put in my belly. I am grateful for a job that pays, while not very well, well enough to pay my bills and keep me feeling secure. Though the job is often stressful and exhausting, I still get a pay check twice a month. I realize there are so many people not as lucky as I am. I know.

I am thankful. For my incredible friends. Especially my closest. Whether they live close or far (too many live far...E, A, M, S...I'm looking at you). They hold me up. Steady my feet. Ground me. Keep me moving forward each and every day. Shoulders, ears, hearts, souls. I love them.

I am thankful. For my family. My parents are wonderful people, it took me far too long to realize that in adolescence. We do not always agree but we always love. They support me, even when I don't recognize the need. They are there, just in case I fall, while hoping I don't. They created me, encouraged me. They have faith in me. I can never repay them for their generosity. For my extended family, those related by blood or otherwise. A village raises a child. I've always loved having that village around me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am thankful. For my husband. My other half. My best friend. Together for going on 6 years and married for over one. I have a hard time remembering life without him. Finishing each other's sentences. Thinking the same thoughts. Sometimes I forget we are two different people. He holds me when I need it and can tell how I'm feeling just by looking at my face. He is my constant rock. I take him for granted too often. I am grateful for him.

I am thankful. For my son. My beautiful little boy. Five months old and his first Thanksgiving. I'm thankful he came into the world healthy and has remained so. For each milestone he crosses. For the person he is steadily becoming. I am blessed far more than I can say to have this little soul in my life. To watch him grow and change. He has brought true purpose to my life.

Take a moment, tomorrow and always, to step back. Look around. What do you have to be thankful for?

Happy Thanksgiving.

November Cometh

So fall is upon us. Daylight savings time made sure of that. I'm always sad to see the sun setting at 6pm but I still love this time of year. The air getting crisp. The smell of wood burning. A holiday season rapidly approaching. It's Wiggly's first fall. He won't remember it, but I hope I do for him. Chronicling these moments as they pass.

Halloween came and went. Wiggly was a monkey. He is afterall our little monkey boy (reminder to self to post a picture or two when I get the chance). Fussy for most of the evening, he didn't seem to relish in the holiday. We dressed him up, took him to my mom's, visited with two neighbors and my aunt. Then he fell asleep. He's only 4 months old. He'll have fun next year, hopefully.

November is going to be a tough month for my family. Jason and M should have been married on the 1st, but they're not. Thanksgiving dinner will be a little more empty without his presence at the table. We've lost a family member one by one these past few years. First great-grandma, then great-grandaddy and now Jason. Before that, years before I was born, my maternal grandparents perished. A mentally ill uncle whose whereabouts are rarely known and seldom seen. A baby nephew far away and a first Thanksgiving missed by us. My mother's family seems to get smaller as the years go by. Now two tiny members join our ranks, hopefully bringing some joy in through the veil of sadness. Belle and Wiggly, you are our bright stars.

Did I mention Ana should have been 28 this month? I'll have to devote a post to her. A few sentences will never suffice.

November. You're here. We were just beginning to heal.

Dawn's Early Light

There is so much to write about when it comes to Wiggly, but I feel as though I repeat myself. How much can one say about breastfeeding? And how much do others really want to hear about it? What about all the little things about becoming a parent? I know I bore people, I can't help it. He's my favorite topic.

I've discovered something: I enjoy getting up at 5am with my child. This is bizarre. I really value my sleep and I always have; in essence, this is quite a shock to me. Sometimes he wakes me up, others I rouse him, but it's generally the same. Somewhere between 5 and 6 am, we are up. Nursing and cuddling. It's blissful and quiet. Sometimes I turn on the tv, others I don't. The dogs and Bubby are generally still asleep, so this time is just for us. He eats quickly and efficiently in those early morning hours; hungry from having not eaten all night. There are mornings he promptly falls back to sleep after eating, when I get the chance to snuggle his warm, sleepy body.

Other mornings he is bright eyed and happy. He smiles, coos, babbles and squeals. I laugh, he does it some more. I give him a million kisses and he returns with happy, toothless, drooling, open-mouthed ones. We love every moment, he and I.

If there are professional cuddlers, then my son is the MVP. Curling in and often hanging on, his favorite place is against someone bigger than himself. After he finishes eating and I am sufficiently drained, I change his diaper and clothes. I try to sneak in a few more moments, when he inevitably falls back to sleep. In my arms. Where he belongs...until I have to put him down and get ready for my day. A day spent away from him. The rest of the day he spends with a sitter, my husband or whomever else we spend the day with. Even the time I spend with him tends to be with other people. It's not just us.

I know these moments will disappear all too soon. He will grow and no longer need to be nursed at 5am. But for now, I look forward to it. It's our time. No one elses. Like the knowing I had of him in the womb no one else knew, I know him at 5am. No other person. Just me. I quite like it that way.

These Days

My little boy will be four months old on Friday. It's amazing how quickly these tiny, little creatures grow. At this time last year, I didn't even know I was pregnant and now I have this boy. This amazing, sweet boy. We're taking bets on his pediatrician visit on Friday, I think he's at least 17.5 pounds at this point. Bubby says 18. We shall see.

We had some professional photos done on the 11th. The amazing photographer trekked to my mother's house and took the shots for us. They came out beautifully and I'm sure I'll be posting them periodically once I get the cd (the one above is from the shoot...I snagged it from her blog!...but I also paid for a digital copy of it for myself). Wiggly was really good, until he got tired. A good portion of the pictures he's conked out with a paci in his mouth. Poor kid. It was a big day.

He giggles now. As if the smiles didn't make me well up enough, now the giggles. My knees are like jello around him. And I thought first love as a teenager was rough, this love trumps it all. I have the urge all the time to be near him just. To touch his soft skin and snuggle him. I'm going to miss that when he grows up. His snuggles.

I must mention, although it is not about my child, my best friend in the whole world is having gall bladder surgery on Friday. Send up a prayer, a thought of good health and spirits for her. I'd appreciate it. I miss her. If there are soul mates, then she is my soul sister. Today we discovered we both owned embarrassing shoes in elementary school. That's awesome.

Bubby and I are fairing better these days. We needed some time. Some time to connect. Remember. Who WE are. This. This marriage. Our love. We're back. It feels good.

Although work is stressing. Especially right now, especially with a specific family I'm working with. Things are okay. I'm at peace.

eh.

That pretty much describes my mood today. And that of last night.

Annoyed. Frustrated. Pissed off. Grumpy. Sad.

I think I need more sleep. My favorite idea right now is to curl up in bed with a warm blanket and sleep until next week, but, I know, full well, that cannot happen. Crawling out of my skin and hiding under a rock? Out of the question, too. Too much to do and a sweet little boy to care for. It's not his fault, he didn't choose to be dependent on me, but he is. He's the one bright light. His smile makes me feel better, but I can't be with him all day.

I don't want to work anymore. Not necessarily where I'm currently employed, but anywhere for that matter. I would even be happier if I could get a part time job. I want to spend more time with my son. We have a fantastic sitter, and I feel more than confident when leaving him there, it's just that I wish that was *my* job, not hers. She gets to see him all day, play with him, read to him, sing to him, watch him change. Apparently he rolled over a few times yesterday. He's only done that once at home and I didn't get to see it. I miss him, all day long.

I'm also upset about work. I do an incredibly difficult job and the people you work with can make or break this kind of work. Communication is not the strong suit of my agency and the work environment gets hard to navigate with out it. Blah. I wish they were a bit more understanding about my work hours and the fact I am a new mother and my priorities have changed. I'm still angry about an incident that occurred yesterday, and I think it is going to take some time to get over it. I've been angry for a few weeks at work, mostly over other coworkers and their actions or inactions. It is what it is.

I'm not feeling so great about where Bubby and I are at the moment either. I know he loves me, I really do. I just don't feel like we're connecting lately. He half listens, half answers, every other conversation revolves around his job. He's on business right now. And will be going again in a few weeks and then again a few weeks after that. Involuntary single parenthood is not my cup 'o tea.

So yeah. That's where I am today. Could be somewhere completely different tomorrow, and hopefully I will be. Maybe I'm PMSing...one can hope.

three months down

He's three months old, my beautiful boy. The reason I wake in the morning, much earlier than I would like. My reason for moving forward. My hope. My continued faith in a loving and aweful God. Wonderful boy.

My days are stressful. I have this sweet face to come home to. My calm. I find, despite my short attention span, I can stare at this wonderful creature for hours. Touch his little fingers, toes. Smell his sweetness. Listen to him coo, breathe, snore. I'm enthralled.

Can time slow down a bit? I don't want to miss any of this. Precious time. Growing, changing.

We Remember

Did you ever ask your grandparents where they were when the attack on Pearl Harbor happened? What about asking your parents where they were when Kennedy was assasinated? My son will one day ask me where I was on September 11, 2001 and I know exactly what to tell him. It's forever etched in my mind.

My roommate's mother woke us up with a telephone call. It was 8:30am on that Tuesday morning. A plane had flown into one of the towers of the World Trade Center. We turned on CNN, like so many around our nation, and we saw a second plane fly into the other tower. We were dumbstruck. Shocked, appalled. What had just happend? We then watched the towers collapse. Within a few hours, we would learn that four planes were highjacked. People dead in New York, Pennsylvania and Virginia. 2,999 in total. America changed forever on this day, and I remember.

I was a freshman in college and had only been at school for about 2.5 weeks. We all muddled through the day, talking, crying, watching the news. Discussing what happened, why, how, what could have been done to prevent it. Wondering if we were safe. CNN/MSNBC stayed on our television around the clock for a week. We couldn't do much else. It bonded us together, this terrible tragedy. I learned a dear friend's mother passed away in the Pentagon. I can still feel the way my gut twisted upon seeing a still smoking Pentagon weeks later while driving past.

What I remember most, aside from the sadness, the fear and the politics, was pride in our national spirit. We began to see a collective movement of patriotism. While I've never appreciated the "put the boot in their ass, it's the American way" or "with us or against us" mentalities, I do like the joining together of the people of a nation to say: "We can overcome this. We are strong. We will survive. We will go on. We will not forget."

Today, I'm thinking of all of those who lost their lives, so senselessly and yet bravely. I'm thinking of the families and friends who were lost. And most of all, I'm thinking of America and how proud I am of all of us.

Someday I will take Wiggly to see the memorials at the Pentagon and World Trade Center. I want him to know the history of our country. This event that changed the course of American history. Wiggly will see, Gigi has a picture of mommy, Uncle R, and Uncle J sitting on Liberty island as small children. In the background, the Twin Towers. I want him to know. Mommy remembers.

I remember.