Dawn's Early Light

There is so much to write about when it comes to Wiggly, but I feel as though I repeat myself. How much can one say about breastfeeding? And how much do others really want to hear about it? What about all the little things about becoming a parent? I know I bore people, I can't help it. He's my favorite topic.

I've discovered something: I enjoy getting up at 5am with my child. This is bizarre. I really value my sleep and I always have; in essence, this is quite a shock to me. Sometimes he wakes me up, others I rouse him, but it's generally the same. Somewhere between 5 and 6 am, we are up. Nursing and cuddling. It's blissful and quiet. Sometimes I turn on the tv, others I don't. The dogs and Bubby are generally still asleep, so this time is just for us. He eats quickly and efficiently in those early morning hours; hungry from having not eaten all night. There are mornings he promptly falls back to sleep after eating, when I get the chance to snuggle his warm, sleepy body.

Other mornings he is bright eyed and happy. He smiles, coos, babbles and squeals. I laugh, he does it some more. I give him a million kisses and he returns with happy, toothless, drooling, open-mouthed ones. We love every moment, he and I.

If there are professional cuddlers, then my son is the MVP. Curling in and often hanging on, his favorite place is against someone bigger than himself. After he finishes eating and I am sufficiently drained, I change his diaper and clothes. I try to sneak in a few more moments, when he inevitably falls back to sleep. In my arms. Where he belongs...until I have to put him down and get ready for my day. A day spent away from him. The rest of the day he spends with a sitter, my husband or whomever else we spend the day with. Even the time I spend with him tends to be with other people. It's not just us.

I know these moments will disappear all too soon. He will grow and no longer need to be nursed at 5am. But for now, I look forward to it. It's our time. No one elses. Like the knowing I had of him in the womb no one else knew, I know him at 5am. No other person. Just me. I quite like it that way.

These Days

My little boy will be four months old on Friday. It's amazing how quickly these tiny, little creatures grow. At this time last year, I didn't even know I was pregnant and now I have this boy. This amazing, sweet boy. We're taking bets on his pediatrician visit on Friday, I think he's at least 17.5 pounds at this point. Bubby says 18. We shall see.

We had some professional photos done on the 11th. The amazing photographer trekked to my mother's house and took the shots for us. They came out beautifully and I'm sure I'll be posting them periodically once I get the cd (the one above is from the shoot...I snagged it from her blog!...but I also paid for a digital copy of it for myself). Wiggly was really good, until he got tired. A good portion of the pictures he's conked out with a paci in his mouth. Poor kid. It was a big day.

He giggles now. As if the smiles didn't make me well up enough, now the giggles. My knees are like jello around him. And I thought first love as a teenager was rough, this love trumps it all. I have the urge all the time to be near him just. To touch his soft skin and snuggle him. I'm going to miss that when he grows up. His snuggles.

I must mention, although it is not about my child, my best friend in the whole world is having gall bladder surgery on Friday. Send up a prayer, a thought of good health and spirits for her. I'd appreciate it. I miss her. If there are soul mates, then she is my soul sister. Today we discovered we both owned embarrassing shoes in elementary school. That's awesome.

Bubby and I are fairing better these days. We needed some time. Some time to connect. Remember. Who WE are. This. This marriage. Our love. We're back. It feels good.

Although work is stressing. Especially right now, especially with a specific family I'm working with. Things are okay. I'm at peace.

Dukes

MADISON, JAMES MADISON
WE ARE THE DUKES OF JMU
MADISON, JAMES MADISON
THE FIGHTING DUKES OF JMU

FIGHT FOR GLORY
HONORS WON
BRIGHTEN THE LIGHTS OF MADISON
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT

MADISON, JAMES MADISON
SHOW YOUR COLORS
PROUD AND TRUE
WE ARE THE DUKES OF JMU

On Saturday, I went to a football game for my alma mater. How I have missed it. The sea of purple and gold. The chants. The energy. The streamers. That one guy you could always count on to wear the funny hat and socks. I love this time of year, but I especially love reconnecting with my not so distant past. I graduated in 2005 and went back for two homecomings but missed it last year and will not be going this year. I have started to feel old, I mean the current class of college freshman were born in 1989 and 1990. The game wasn't all played well, but in the end we won. I cheered and screamed myself hoarse. I can't believe it's been so long. I've missed it. I really have.

It was Wiggly's first experience at a football game. He only stayed for the first quarter. Sweet boy was exhausted from his photo shoot that morning and went home to take a much needed nap. He was all decked out in his purple and gold. I hope he loves this season as much as we do.

Bubby and I will be traveling to his former University in November to see another football game. I'm so excited. I love how it all feels. The air getting crisp. The changing of the leaves. The tailgates and grilling. The beer. The hope for another season. Football heroes new and old. The roar of the crowd. All over the US right now, students and alumni are cheering on their favorite teams. I love the sense of unity.

I was able to meet up with a few friends from my college days. I've kept in good contact with one and not so good with the other. It was lovely to see them both. Amazing people, they are, and much missed. Going in their own directions, leading their own paths. It's what adulthood has brought us. C kept saying, "You're a real grown up. You're married and you have a baby." We can't go back and do it again, we're too old now, too grown, too removed. But for a day, we could relive our college years. Or at least for me, I could have just that day.

It's been too long, it was good to feel home again. J-M-U DUUUUUUUKES!

Bubby's 25

Happy Birthday, Bubby. I love you.

Even when I'm grumpy.

Even when I forget to say so.

Even when I don't ask how you're doing or feeling.

Even when I'm mad.

I love you. Period. End of story. We're in this. Always.

You're 25 today. Can you believe you were only 19 when we met? Started dating. Babies, we were. We still have a long road to go. I'm glad you're my partner.

eh.

That pretty much describes my mood today. And that of last night.

Annoyed. Frustrated. Pissed off. Grumpy. Sad.

I think I need more sleep. My favorite idea right now is to curl up in bed with a warm blanket and sleep until next week, but, I know, full well, that cannot happen. Crawling out of my skin and hiding under a rock? Out of the question, too. Too much to do and a sweet little boy to care for. It's not his fault, he didn't choose to be dependent on me, but he is. He's the one bright light. His smile makes me feel better, but I can't be with him all day.

I don't want to work anymore. Not necessarily where I'm currently employed, but anywhere for that matter. I would even be happier if I could get a part time job. I want to spend more time with my son. We have a fantastic sitter, and I feel more than confident when leaving him there, it's just that I wish that was *my* job, not hers. She gets to see him all day, play with him, read to him, sing to him, watch him change. Apparently he rolled over a few times yesterday. He's only done that once at home and I didn't get to see it. I miss him, all day long.

I'm also upset about work. I do an incredibly difficult job and the people you work with can make or break this kind of work. Communication is not the strong suit of my agency and the work environment gets hard to navigate with out it. Blah. I wish they were a bit more understanding about my work hours and the fact I am a new mother and my priorities have changed. I'm still angry about an incident that occurred yesterday, and I think it is going to take some time to get over it. I've been angry for a few weeks at work, mostly over other coworkers and their actions or inactions. It is what it is.

I'm not feeling so great about where Bubby and I are at the moment either. I know he loves me, I really do. I just don't feel like we're connecting lately. He half listens, half answers, every other conversation revolves around his job. He's on business right now. And will be going again in a few weeks and then again a few weeks after that. Involuntary single parenthood is not my cup 'o tea.

So yeah. That's where I am today. Could be somewhere completely different tomorrow, and hopefully I will be. Maybe I'm PMSing...one can hope.